I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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