went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
