Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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