guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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