he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
