That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
