If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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