what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Holy sore nipples Batman
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.