I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.