She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
