five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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