She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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