I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
