There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Did I show you my penis last night?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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