On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
