I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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