hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
