based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
