I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
