I heard we made out
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
