there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
