Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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