i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I believe in your delicious
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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