Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize