I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He did a backflip because drugs
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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