I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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