As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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