I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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