I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this just has baby written all over it
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
