I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
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