I wish my penis had an off switch
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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