I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
