when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
