Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so let's talk penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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