ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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