My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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