I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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