I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
