I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
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