yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
