Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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