This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
