she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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