its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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