You just made me feel so damn special
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
