you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
