My Higher Power is John Stamos
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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