apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think my vagina is haunted
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
