i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
