I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
