I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
