so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
