A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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