I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
