This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
