her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
How's work?
Spinning.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
