my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
