So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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