Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
