So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
