Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
