It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
