The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
